Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just pee around me
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize