When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
