Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
