I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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