proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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