she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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