i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
