also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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