Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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