I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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