she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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