i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
