Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
