My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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