I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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