Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
