So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
