how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
