We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
