dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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