you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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