I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
