i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
