I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
