I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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