my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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