I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I intend to get homeless drunk
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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