At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
