WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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