I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
organizing the empties. That sober.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
