OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
