I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
