i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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