We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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