I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
