I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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