life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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