I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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