worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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