I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize