nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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