it was like eating out sand paper
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
