I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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