Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
