Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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