i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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