and next time when you feel me up, do it right
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
