i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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