You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i out mim tonsoeep
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
