I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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