i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
