guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
im holly from the hills drunk
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
