I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
