Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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