WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
