i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
