Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
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